For those of you who have followed me for a while in der blogosphere (and if so, what the hell's wrong with you?), you probably already know that I have, for some time, endured a somewhat amusing assortment of sleep-related maladies.
As a small child, I had night terrors...horrible dreams from which I was unable to wake. I'd start screaming in my bed and my mom would have to literally carry me into the bathroom and splash cold water on my face to get me out of the clutches of whatever was fucking with my subconscious that night. I dreamed of falling down holes, of my parents being disfigured and shrinking, of cobras and the white witch from Narnia (bitch scared the shit out of me). These dreams subsided as I got older, and then I started sleepwalking.
I didn't really go anywhere, just poked around the house, but this was the source of some real concern for long-suffering mom, who could never be sure if, upon checking on me late in the evening, she might find me tucked in bed, downstairs hiding behind the couch, sitting at the kitchen table talking to no one, or balled up like an armadillo in the back of my closet, laughing like a mad scientist.
As the years went on, however, I grew into a seasoned virtuoso of sleep. I am now a paratrooper, a crackerjack. A Green Fucking Beret. I relish my sleep the way an obese person does a hot buffet at the Piccadilly. I suck the meat off the bones of sleepytime and savor every delicious minute of it.
But lately I've been dreaming again. Ugly, graphically realistic dreams revolving mostly around losing my hair and needing to go to the bathroom.
I know. What the hell.
In one dream I had festering scabs all over my head, which made my hair fall out in bloody clumps. In another I was at work and my boss came up behind me with a flowbee and sheared off the entire front section of my hairline. Don't know what a flowbee is? I've provided you with this useful instructional video.
Questions? No? Good. Now, moving on.
In these dreams I often have a painfully full bladder, and I cannot find a place to go to relieve myself. I either am forced to use a fetid, feces-smeared abandoned toilet (and I'm never wearing shoes!), or I discover an huge open room with numerous toilets lined up like barber's chairs and am unable to pee in private.
What do you think, dear readers? Please discuss. Since I started reading my blog comments, I've saved a ton of money on therapy.
Inquiring mind wants to know.
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I found this on the hair falling out issue:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art10574.asp
and this on the full bladder:
http://www.dreamsleep.net/urine_dream_meaning.html
I'm thinking repressed stress and worry from the recent move? Hopefully they will go away with time.
When I get really stressed out I have weird dreams too. It's basically your minds way of dealing with all the shit going on during the day that you try not to deal with:)
A doctor would tell you to get 30 minutes of strenuous exercise at least 2 hours before going to bed and taking a warm bath about 30 minutes before hitting the sack.
ReplyDeleteBut don't they prescribe exercise for EVERYTHING???
Personaly? I'd say as you're trying to fall asleep make up REALLY good fantasy's in your mind (pref. dirty) and just try hard as hell to think yummy orgasmic thoughts - in hopes of having dirty dreams and not horrid ones.
Or just "do it" before you go to sleep, and like really wear yourself out, maybe that'll knock you out with some good ole natural horomones to make sleep easier?
Lordy, in any case I wish you Sweet Dreams!
I have the need to pee dreams. I usually can only find a toilet that doesn't have water in it in a public place. Sometimes it's at a school and all the stalls have disgusting toilets. The hair thing prob means you feel powerless over some aspect of your life.
ReplyDeleteDreams are really just our unconscious minds trying to make sense of our day. It appears that your REM sleep cycle is... vigorous. Exercise would indeed help, as your body would be too busy regenerating itself to worry about fucking with your dream state.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the underlying reasons for your disturbing dreams, anxiety about bath rooms and anxiety about life in general... well, you are going to have to tackle those problems in your waking world if you are to expect any sleep.
the flowbee thing was probably your way of telling me what you want for christmas.
ReplyDeletehint taken!
I can relate to your bathroom dreams--are you comforted by the thought that you are not alone? While you were having your hair nightmare, I woke up terrified that a white plastic spoon in a cartoon box was hovering over my head ready to smack me. I called out to my kids, none came to help, so I got up and found an one who was awake(2:00 a.m. on a school night, hmmmm, must look into this) and babbled incoherently until I fully woke up. Better though than the time I sleepwalked naked into my parents' bedroom gibbering about the Sears repair man behind my dresser.
ReplyDeleteTry some lavender essential oil on your pillow to relax you into sleep.
Flowbee's suckin' my will to live!
ReplyDeleteAlcohol may aid all of the above ideas. Serously it is probably stress related. Try some relaxation breathing techniques, yoga or some illegal smoking product, I mean medicinal smoking product, man.
ReplyDeleteUm... you're fucked up.
ReplyDelete