So Lily lost her second front top tooth last night. Its partner fell out on Christmas (we whooped it up and made a mad fuss about Santa AND the tooth fairy visiting our house in 24 hours!!! Fuck, lying to children is expensive), and since then she's been wiggling and twisting the other one like a chronic masturbator.
By last night though the tooth was so ready to drop, it was basically hanging off her gums like a busted shutter on a post-Katrina Bayou home. (For those of you not living in LA, that was a little 'insider' reference...I've noticed that Louisianians refer to almost everything in life as 'pre-Katrina' and 'post-Katrina'. Like NY'ers do with 9/11. Or Christians do with the coming of Christ).
The tooth finally came out after I'd put her to bed, and she came tearing into the living room with blood running down her chin and a little white(ish...I am not nazi enough about brushing) nub in her palm. We rejoiced, stuck it in her little tooth tin and shoved it under the pillow, and marched her gap-toothed ass back to bed.
Jeremy and I then relished in our kid-free two hours (it's such a frigging scam that by the time you finally get away from your child, you're too tired to do much else besides Keep up with the Kardashians and maybe slurp on a tequila shot), and went to bed.
I was woken up at 4 am by a very distressed Lily perched at the foot of my bed, poking me in the foot. "I had a nightmare. AND the tooth fairy didn't come!"
Fuck, fuck, fuck. How could I have forgotten?
I spent the next half hour orchestrating a carefully-choreographed dance of deceit with the stealth of a ninja. An exhausted, self-flagellating ninja. I popped Lily back into bed and said I would be right back to check on her, that I had to 'check something'. I then snuck into the kitchen and blindly pawed at my purse, finding my wallet that actually had a dollar in it (who knew?). I put the dollar in my bathrobe pocket and then went into Lil's room and sat with her until she drifted back to sleep. This took almost a goddamned hour. Then I found the tin, grabbed the tooth, replaced it with the dollar, and went back to my own bed.
She woke again at 7 am and came running into our room, waving the dollar and talking about all the great shit she was gonna buy.
My god, sometimes I HATE being a parent.
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Sounds like you were a pretty good parent to me. My mom forgot and when I told her in the morning she sent me back to bed like I was being punished. Then she said "LOOK OVER THERE! WHAT IS THAT!" and when I looked away she jammed a nickel under my pillow. Didn't even take the tooth, and I got a quarter last time. I still don't let her forget it.
ReplyDeleteIf your ever like a day late just leave a note from the tooth fairy and explain that there was a hockey game that night and just ran out of time.
ReplyDeleteHysterical! Reminds me of when my daughter, Courtney, was little. I swear to God she'd deliberately pull teeth out just for the cash.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't a bad parent! At least I hope you're not cause if that is bad, then I should be in prison somewhere LOL We finally graduated to puttin the teeth somewhere I would remember to do the exchange..like my dresser or nightstand. If I happened to forget, I just gave some lame ass excuse and the TF came the next night. It's all good as long as they get the cash;) BTW, the guilt TF gives lots more money!
ReplyDeleteGreat story. I did not know kids got excited over a dollar anymore. :)
ReplyDeleteA DOLLAR? Shit, that's like 6128954% inflation since I lost my toofies.
ReplyDeleteA dollar isn't even the going rate. My kid's in private school. You have no idea.
ReplyDelete