CAUTION: I'm really lame.

So I'm driving this morning and I see a mom from Lily's school in front of me, and she's got a bumper sticker that says, CAUTION, and something illegible beneath it. So me, desperately trying to add to my short friend roster in this new city, am thinking, oooh, let's check this out. Maybe it says something racy and/or provocative, or at least un-Jesusy, and maybe this is a mom I need to have a Community Coffee with.

As I inched up to the car though, I saw it said, "Caution, I drive like a Cullen".

As in, Edward Cullen. From the "Twilight" movies.

Oh.

Immediately all I could think of was Amy Poehler as the mom in "Mean Girls", in the hot pink Juicy sweat suit, chillin with the teen girls and serving them appletinis after school and wanting to 'hang out', and asking, "So, what's the 411? What's the HOT GOSSIP???"




And I realized that although I enjoy the Miley and the High School Musical and sometimes even listen to Disney XM when the kid's not even in the car, this profoundly shames me and I would never, ever, EVER admit it to anyone (except all of you), much less advertise my love of my kid's teeny bopper culture on a bumper sticker.

So, Judgy McMe votes nay on that mother. I think that we shall probably not be friends, after all.

I feel like such a turkey.

OK, I admit I am a little touchy around this time of the month, but I just called up the mom of one of Lily's little friends on the block to come over and play (here in the south for some godforsaken reason they give the kids the WHOLE week of Thanksgiving off, and I am already yanking hairs out by the roots looking for fun stuff to do).

The little girl's grandma was watching her and her brothers, as mom was out playing tennis. And when Grandma asked the kid if she wanted to come play, the kid's older brother said (loudly enough for me to hear), "she's not allowed to play at Lily's house."

Slap. Right in the face.

Well, fuck you too.

I don't know why I care. I shouldn't. But I hate the idea of someone I don't know judging me. So, of course, I took that moment to do a personal inventory and try and figure out why a woman I barely know wouldn't let her kid play at my house. Here are some of the reasons I considered:

A. We have hanging in our hallway an abstract-ish naked oil painting Jeremy did of himself in college (which I love, because he looks so vulnerable with his red pubes), with the word 'Fuck' written in tiny letters on the bottom.

B. Our dog is brain-damaged and selectively vicious-seeming when people come to the door.

C. We have buddhas and incense all over the house, leading people to believe that perhaps we are... 'alternative'.

D. We're not married but are co-habitating, which I think the baby jesus says is a sin, thought I haven't boned up on my bible lately.

I guess the bottom line is fuck what she thinks, right? Or maybe she doesn't even really have any issues with us, she's just really strict about where her kids play.
Either way, I need to not be so thin-skinned. It's not easy for me though.

Happy Tofurkey Day!!!

Cut, Uncut

My last post got me thinking a lot about weaners. Don't you love that word, 'Weaner'? It just sounds so silly coming out of the mouth, like you should be making a goofy, pursed-lipped face while saying it. WEEEEEANERRRR.

I should probably specify that I'm not talking weaners that you cook outside on the grill and eat with ketchup. No, ma'am. I mean the human kind. I am talking about penises.

Once I babysat a kid who called his penis his "Weanis", like a combination of 'weaner' and 'penis'. I think that his parents were just cruel to teach him that, since surely the first time he refers to his equipment as a 'Weanis' in junior high school, he will fall victim to a vicious (and perhaps well-deserved) locker room beatdown.

Anyway, penises, yeah. I've been thinking a lot about them, lately. Actually, I've specifically been I've been thinking about circumcision. To cut or not to cut?

I worried, when I was pregnant, that I would have trouble making that decision if I had a boy. Luckily, Lily came out with girl parts so I was off the hook, but if I ever had another baby and it happened to be male, would I snip off his foreskin? If so, why?

So far the only (sorta sensible) argument I can find IN FAVOR OF circumcising is one that says, hey, most guys are circumcised, and an uncircumcised penis looks weird. Moms I know who have opted to snip the skin have said, "I want him to look like his dad. I want him to not feel self-conscious when he gets older and sees that other penises don't look like his".

OK. Here's what I wonder though: Do guys really compare dicks with their dads? Or with other dudes? Because I can say with total honesty that I have never really thought about my vagina in terms of how it measures up with other vaginas. I certainly never watched my mom exit the shower as a kid and thought, Damn, I hope my vagina looks like that when I get older.

Is it a guy thing? Is it an American Culture thing?

Discuss.

I know this much is true

So, I'm working a freelance job where the men and women all share a bathroom, and this makes me very uncomfortable. I'm not sure why. Also, I've discovered that my fashion sense stopped operating in the current year back in about 2003. Try as I might to throw together a cute outfit for work, I always end up looking like a big dick. Sigh.

It's a Teabagger, Stupid

My whole family was here this weekend. This was the first time any of them had been in Baton Rouge, so we wanted to show them a really kick ass time. I had lofty aspirations of visiting a few plantations, some of which are rumored to still have intact death rooms and plaques on the walls bearing names of slaves who resided there, and each one's original sale price. I personally cannot imagine a more interesting way to pass a Sunday, but we didn't make it out of the city this go-around.

We did, however, hit some local hot spots (mostly our back yard patio with several bottles of wine), and the Mighty Mississipp, and the Capitol Building downtown, where we were fortunate enough to catch a rally with the Tea Party Express. This was great fun for my left-leaning Yankee kin, whom I was hoping to treat to a little red state flavor whilst they were enjoying all the other good stuff Baton Rouge has to offer. It did not disappoint.

We got to hear original songs about universal healthcare and euthanizing the elderly, while peaceful demonstrators waved signs that read, "I DIDN'T VOTE FOR THE OBAM-INATION", and "Just say No to Tyranny!"

It was awesome. I think my mother didn't end up in this picture because she was trying to get a picture of a sign that some guy had on his golden retriever that said, 'Revolt Against Socialism'.

It was an interesting five minutes, but our time was better spent at The Chimes by the University, where we introduced my mom and sister to Crawfish Etouffe and Boudin Balls and made my nephew eat fried alligator by telling him it was chicken fingers. Is that wrong?

Anyway, Happy Tuesday, Mofos! For your amusement, here is the Tea Party Express's signature tune, belted out for us by singer and self proclaimed "Black Teabagger", Lloyd Marcus.
Yes, he calls himself that.

It's, like, so Weird, Here

This morning on the way to school Lily dug out a small umbrella from beneath the passengers seat and tried to poke me in the ear with it from the back of the car. She said, "Mommy! I'm cleaning your ear with a tampon! Ha Ha!"

Ooooo-Kay.

I'm procrastinating. I should be cleaning the house because we are hosting a birthday party with 30 little girls AND my entire family from New York and I really have to scour the bathroom cabinet for the tranquilizers.

And yet, I can't stop trying to find the SNL video of Dana Carvey doing John Travolta. Can anyone help me???

Loosiana Halloween

If there's one thing this state knows how to do it's celebrate. Goddang. Highlights from this weekend's Halloween debauching:

1. The weather kicked ASS. It was warm enough that we didn't need coats, but it got cool enough at night that you could justify having a fire outside.

2. Parents take their kids trick or treating while holding beer cozys and/or glasses of wine, walking all over the neighborhood and getting plastered.

3. My neighbors set up a table in front of their house, and the woman of the house lay on the table with fake guts gushing all over her stomach, while her husband wore a scary mask and pretended to cut her up with a chainsaw over and over all night. This probably should have been highlight #1. The chainsaw was fake, but it sounded and even smelled like a real one (like gasoline). You could hear the RRRR RRR RRRR of it all over the neighborhood. The kids would walk up to the table, where the guy would hold out a bowl of candy, then as they reached in to grab some, he'd reach down and get the chainsaw, and then chase them with it. This caused much screaming and pants-peeing and was quite entertaining for the adults.

4. There was a hillbilly family visiting the neighborhood in a jeep which was hauling a little flatbed with a dirty couch on it. The hillbilly mom sat on the couch and smoked while her husband and son hauled her around. It was slightly unsettling, but interesting nonetheless. And as long as they didn't try to give Lily any apples with razors in them, it was cool.

5. I enough candy to last me through next Halloween. But what's up with the Laffy Taffy, Baton Rouge? That shit is gross.

I uploaded some pics; click here. Mwah!